Back In Your Head
by WP
Summary: Palex. Set mid season 6, just before free fallin'.
1. Chapter 1

-1  
AN: Hey, back with some more Palex. Hadn't planned this but it's perfect timing, the song Back In Your Head is from the new Tegan and Sara album - The Con - which is released today (24/7) so everyone go out and pick it up!

Thanks also to all you people continually reviewing and adding me to your favourites, it's appreciated.

**Back In Your Head**

_Build a wall of books between us in our bed  
Repeat, repeat the words that I know we both said  
Relax into the need  
We get so comfortable_

Alex Nunez slammed her head down onto her history book. She was sick of war. She'd spent the past half hour on the same page and still had no idea what it said.

It had been all of 3 weeks since she'd seen Paige, the last time she was home for the weekend. Even then it was only for a couple of hours. Not nearly enough but she couldn't tell Paige that. She pretty much didn't tell her anything.

They had mastered the art of talking without really giving up anything real. They never got into awkward 'I miss you' or 'why did we ever break up?' conversations.

They never lost control of their words or their actions. Hugs were rare and purposely brief. Talks of each other's romantic lives were strictly off bounds.

They mostly stuck to University and school talk. Academics, current events and mutual friends were the topics of choice. Both pretended they were content with their watered down friendship, that it was enough.

Truth is, it was easier to pretend that just being in the same room, or at the same table sharing some laughs was enough. And sometimes, for a moment, it was.

But for Alex, when their time together was just playing over in her mind, it made her feel sick.

Her head hurt from replaying it: the premiere, the chocolate cheesecake, the whipped cream fight, the break up, the summer they tried to be friends, Paige going off to Banting and her going back to Degrassi and now they're trapped in limbo as friends who act like they were never anything more than that.

What really made it suck is that the day she realised she was in love with Paige was the day she broke up with her.

It sounds twisted because it is.

Alex is someone who runs away when people get too close. She has walls and she's capable of instant construction. Problem is she fought it for Paige. She let her get close, told her things, was really with her and telling her it was over was the single worst moment of her 18 years.

Sometimes she thinks she was a martyr. That what she done was heroic and strong. But really, when clarity hits, she knows that's just her heart trying to justify the heinous amount of pain she felt.

Clarity is her enemy, she does everything she can to avoid it, early nights are key. It turns out the world is far too clear as the night progresses. During the day she can get on with the school day, go to work, make idle chit chat with the hand full of people at Degrassi she talks with and generally keep herself moving, running from her own thoughts of Paige.

On nights like this, when her brain gives out on studying and she's left with only the dim light of the lamp she can't fend off the voice.

The voice that tells her she's an idiot for letting Paige go like that. That there were other ways to explain what she was feeling without going to the extreme. They'd still be together now, maybe the distance would be fine, they'd see each other every weekend or near enough and talk numerous times a day.

But no. Paige was at Banting doing whatever she was doing and Alex wasn't a part of it. She didn't deserve to be. She'd broken their relationship and she wouldn't ever fix it because that would require her to reverse her efforts.

She'd gotten used to the pain and the sick feeling she got when Paige was near her but never actually near enough. Or the constant worry that Paige had met someone new at Banting, someone who would love her and the other way round.

Life's easier when you don't play the game. And Alex was never one for taking the long way round.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: - Watch the namesake of the fic and see Sara mess up the lyrics. Also crazy new T&S hair.

Thank you for your reviews and kindness. Enjoy the next part, let me know what you think.

**Back In Your Head**

_Remember when I was so strange and likeable  
I just want back in your head  
I just want back in your head  
I'm not unfaithful  
But I'll stray_

She thinks that they worked so well together because they were so foreign to one another. It was never a relationship of expectations. They were incommensurable.

Every day together was a day they created as a team. They had no rules or presumptions about how they should be. She had once convinced Paige to go see a midnight showing of Rocky Horror. It was their agreed best date. Not overly romantic in the traditional sense but traditional wasn't Palex.

She spent hours every week trying to come up with something they could do that weekend but since the break up she'd spent that time wallowing and brooding.

She could go seamlessly from one to the other. The fact both required a knot in the stomach helped that transition along because that hadn't gone away in months. She had only been able to stand it so long because that pain, the one lodged in her torso, was her reminder of what she'd lost. What she'd given up.

Everything was new and scary and meant so much she thought she'd burst into tears over the simplest of actions like a kiss on the forehead at just the right moment or a warm hand brushing her own. Or a look.

She would give her life just to have Paige look at her with those sleepy bedroom eyes again.

But now there was Carla. Her girlfriend. She wasn't sure how that had happened. One second she was pining over Paige, the next she was pining over Paige while being someone else's girlfriend. Twisted logic but it happened.

Carla was… nice. Amazingly so. She was at college, they'd met at some party Ellie dragged her to on campus. They'd talked. Small talk; movies, music, life at college or life back at high school post graduation. It was pleasant.

They arranged a 'date' for later on in the week and that was nearly a month ago.

Truthfully Alex hadn't realised it was date. But that night after she'd said goodbye to Carla she'd walked around for an hour in the cold trying to figure out what the hell to do. In the end she decided that it could be good for her. She could begin to move on, get Paige out of her head.

But now, nearly a month on, she knew that although she was technically Carla's girlfriend and they therefore done girlfriendly things, she'd never truly be with her. She was in love with Paige. That's who her heart and her soul and everything else mushy and invisible in her body belonged to.

It was stupid but the main reasons she knew this were a: She had never taken Carla to her home and never intended to. She kept the details to minimum - Lived with her mom and mom's loser boyfriend. Didn't spend a lot of time there. It was easier for them to hang out at Carla's place near campus. And b: The squeaky voice. Carla had never and would never hear that voice. Only Paige would know that she had such a humiliatingly cute side.

She felt bad for Carla, knowing that she was getting Alex-lite but she was easy to be with, not too much pressure. Neither seemed unhappy with the arrangement so why rock the boat?

_Nothing like this person, unlovable  
I just want back in your head  
I just want back in your head  
I'm not unfaithful  
But I'll stray_

Paige had just finished loading up her car. Alone. She didn't exactly have friends at Banting who would help her pack up her stuff.

She'd dropped out and it wasn't even Christmas break yet. Paige Michalchuk had gone from most likely to succeed to College drop out in the matter of a few months.

Since June she'd been dumped, slept with her ex to try and get over it, graduated, spent the summer crying over Alex by night and trying to pretend like it wasn't a big deal by day, then she moved to Kingston and for a day she thought this could be it, her chance to move on, but then classes started and party's were second to studying.

Before she knew she was failing half her class load and only barely knew the names of two people on her floor and a few in her lectures.

Her life sucked and she was pretty sure she was having panic attacks.

She climbed into her car and laid her head against the steering wheel. Her eyes closed and all she could see was Alex.

It'd been this way since they had started dating but now it was bittersweet. It pretty much just hurt. She loved Alex Nunez but she didn't love her back.

Paige sighed and sat up, put her seatbelt on then turned up the stereo. Loud music made focussing on driving much easier. Maybe she'd make it back home in one piece to face the humiliation. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Back In Your Head**

_When I get a little scared  
When I get a little scared  
When I get a little  
When I jerk away from holding hands with you  
I know these habits hurt important parts of you_

Alex was walking down the street with her girlfriend. They were on their way to Marco and Ellie's for Euchre night but it normally descended into movie/gossip night. She'd never admit it but she would end up enjoying gossip binges. She was the link back to Degrassi so she normally had some stories to share.

When they arrived at the house Alex didn't bother knocking, she just opened the door and led Carla in. Only instead of being met with Dylan and Marco caught up in being cute with one another while Ellie was frustratingly trying to convince them to just play cards, she saw Dylan and Marco on the sofa looking very seriously at their respective sister and best friend.

Paige was in the same room as her. She hadn't had time to prepare for this. Instantly her hand wiggled it's way out of Carla's and her mouth hung open as she tried to find something intelligible to say.

"Surprise?" As soon as the word left her mouth she wanted to slap her forehead and cringe.

"Pretty much." Paige answered while looking at Carla.

Carla, like everyone else in the room, was quite aware of the tension. She knew exactly who the blonde was. She was Alex's ex, the one she was still completely in love with. It was pretty much always out there. Between Alex herself and spending time with Marco, Dylan and Ellie, the Paige subject had come up a few times.

"You must be Paige. I've heard a lot about you."

Paige gave courteous smile. If this wasn't the worst week of her life she might have offered some nicety like 'all good I hope.' But, not even she could muster that kind of faux enthusiasm.

Marco jumped into action. "Paige meet Carla. Alex's -." Marco froze. Should he say it?

"Girlfriend." Carla finished for him.

"Yeah!" Marco exclaimed. His nervous excitement wasn't exactly catching.

Alex was stood with her eyes anywhere but on Paige, Carla stood beside him with an awkward smile on her face, Dylan still parked on the sofa with a watchful eye on Paige and the blonde was pretty much trying to avoid Alex's gaze too.

Alex finally spoke up. "Uh, we should go, let you guys catch up."

Paige jumped up from her seat. "No. You should stay, Ellie should be back from the store soon and I'm the one who crashed your night." She hastily made her way upstairs leaving everyone standing awkwardly around the living room.

"Hey, I have chips, dip and enough soda to cause a sugar coma." Ellie announced as she entered the house to be met with 3 people standing in the living room and Dylan on the sofa.

"What happened?" She asked with a sigh. She always missed stuff. Ellie Nash: Always the last to know.

Marco grabbed a bag from Ellie. "Dylan! Help us with the bags." The Michalchuk, of course, done as his boyfriend ask and passed by Alex with a chuckle and shrug.

"Well… that was pleasant." Carla said to Alex.

"Yeah." She said frowning.

"I was being sarcastic."

"Oh."

Carla sighed. Alex's eyes kept darting to the stairs.

"I'm gonna go. You should stay… do whatever it is you have to." Carla said as she headed for the door.

Alex grabbed her wrist. "Wait. I didn't know she was here."

"Oh, I get that but your reaction says the fact that she is here means something to you. You could barely look at her and she had no idea who I was."

"Well, I don't talk about who I'm dating with my ex!"

Carla held her hand up. "I'm not arguing with you. I get it but I think you have some stuff to sort out and I don't really factor in."

Alex was now just looking at her with a furrowed brow.

"Just… Take care Alex." Carla gave a final glance before she left the house.

Marco walked back through the hall in time to see the door close and Alex standing watching it.

"Where's Carla going?" he asked.

Alex turned around and faced him. "I think I just got dumped."

He put his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry but I think Carla can see what everyone except you and Paige can."

She frowned, "what?"

"Your both still in deep. You broke up but neither of you actually let go." He could see her open her mouth to argue so he held up a finger. "And Paige is upstairs, completely broken. She dropped out of Banting, Alex. Stop being an oblivious ass and be there for her."

Alex wanted to question Marco, ask how the hell Paige Michalchuk could be a college dropout but he was right. She should go talk to her. Just be a good friend and make sure she's ok.

As she walked upstairs she shouted back to Marco, "That's the only time you get to call me an ass without getting yourself a Chinese burn."

Marco just sighed and headed back to the kitchen where the others were. He unfortunately knew she was telling the truth.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hey guys, sorry for the wait but here's a nice big update for you. Also the final one. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for all your reviews, all were appreciated. **

**Back In Your Head**

Meanwhile, Paige had been in the spare room which was her's for as long as she wanted it. She hadn't worked up the courage to go home and Marco and Dylan had been more than welcoming.

Her bag's were lined up against the wall. They contained her entire college life. They weren't meant to be back In Toronto, not yet, not for 4 years but she'd screwed up. She'd screwed up royally.

Then just to rub salt in the wounds, Alex shows up with her girlfriend? No one spoke of a girlfriend. She'd seen Alex a few weeks ago, she spoke to Marco every other day and neither had told her Alex had moved on.

She had no future and she was alone. Her life plan was complete garbage now. All that time, all the sacrifices and hard work was for nothing. She felt sick. She acted so high and mighty at high school when really she was the failure, the loser.

And her parents. They would be so disappointed, she couldn't bear the thought of seeing them. They would look at her in disgust. Her mother had gotten through Banting just fine, why hadn't she? Obviously there was something inherently wrong with her.

She'd been sitting on the edge of the bed, thinking herself into tears. Seeing Alex with her new girlfriend was the last straw but it was just one thing on a long list. She was drowning in her failure.

As her crying got worse she felt her chest tighten. She could feel herself panicking, it was happening again. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to remember to breathe. She could feel her heart thumping, hear the blood rushing in her veins.

Alex, who had knocked a couple of times decided to just open the door regardless. She saw Paige sitting on the edge of the bed, her back to the door. She was jerking slightly, like she was crying. She took Paige not shouting at her as a good thing and walked around to her.

She wasn't really prepared for what she saw. Paige's face was a deep red, her eyes were tightly squeezed shut and her cheeks were wet from tears. Her hands were gripping onto the bed covers so tightly her knuckles were white.

Alex instantly threw herself onto her knee's in front of the blonde and put her hands on her knee's.

"Paige? Paige can you hear me?" Paige hadn't moved any or opened her eyes and Alex was concerned by the obvious lack of breathing.

With her hands placed on Paige's cheeks she spoke calmly as she could. "Paige, look at me. You need to just breathe. Paige, come on, open your eyes for me."

Finally she did and Alex made sure she was close enough that her eyes were all the blonde would see. "Good. Breathe for me, nice and slow."

Paige tried to do as was instructed, by now her hands were wrapped firmly around Alex's wrists. As she regained the ability to breathe, she fought hard to hold back her tears but she was losing.

Alex used the pads of her thumbs to wipe away the tears steadily falling from her fear-filled eyes. She was finally breathing again but it was rapid and uneven as she began to sob.

Alex felt the knot in stomach grow as she saw Paige's pain and heard her cries. She sat up straight on her knee's and let her hands slide from Paige's face to around her neck. She gently pulled Paige towards her and soon felt the other girl wrap her arms around her back.

The blonde was like dead weight leaning down on her but she held her tightly. She would stay until Paige was ok. Longer if it was what she wanted, though she doubted it.

They were locked in the same position for a while. Paige was breathing normally again, her sobs died out after a few minutes but Alex knew she was still silently crying. The nape of her neck was flooded with the blonde's tears.

She hadn't said anything, neither of them had. She'd just held Paige. Unfortunately, it was a pretty awkward position to be in and her legs were officially numb.

She sighed, now it was time for the awkwardness. She could deal with the crying and the holding but the talking scared her. She was never good at it.

"Paige?" She heard a quiet mumble. "I need to move."

Paige instantly sat up and began wiping her face. "Sorry, didn't mean to keep you from your girlfriend."

The distain in Paige's voice caused Alex to cringe.

"She's not my girlfriend anymore."

This caused Paige to freeze and look her in the eye. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Really?" she asked with a raised eyebrow. Alex began to stretch out her stiff muscles and was pleased to see Paige's eyes drift down her body.

Paige shook the image of Alex's toned stomach from her mind and tried to focus on their conversation.

"Well, no I'm not." She paused. "I'm sorry your sore, you should have said something.

Alex smiled. "I think pins and needles is a small price to pay."

Paige blushed at the thought of her breakdown. Alex decided to change the subject for a moment. "Just wait here and don't rub your face anymore, looks sore."

Within a couple of minutes she was back with a cool damp towel. Paige was now sitting on the bed with her knee's pulled up to her chest. She looked so broken to Alex. She didn't have that, bordering on obnoxious confidence that normally radiated from her.

"Hey." She said as she fully entered the room. She didn't want to startle the other girl.

She sat opposite Paige on the bed and hesitantly raised the towel to Paige's flushed cheek. All uncertainty dissolved when Paige's eyes shut and she relaxed into the cool towel. It felt good against her previously stinging skin and for a few seconds she forgot her failures.

Her brain just stopped and she was thankful for that - for Alex.

"What's going on in there?" Alex asked gently. She needed Paige to open up to her, not feel under pressure from her.

Paige let out a sad laugh. "Civil war. I think my brain is trying to kill me."

Alex wasn't for joking answers. "Paige… this isn't you. Having Panic attacks and leaving Banting?"

"I've flunked out, there's a difference."

Alex threw the towel on the bedside table. "Maybe Banting just wasn't for you. And it's not your only option, you're the smartest person I've ever met."

Paige ran her hand angrily threw her hair. "Banting's all I've ever wanted. I don't know how to do anything else, it's what I've worked for my whole life."

Alex put a hand on Paige's knee. "I know." And she did, it was essentially why they broke up. "But if there's anything you can do its plan stuff and that's what you'll do."

Paige fell into silence. Rationally she knew Alex was right but being rational wasn't really a priority tonight.

She looked at Alex and for the first time she wanted to talk about all that had gone on at Banting, the classes that well surpassed difficult , the huge amount of studying and all nighters numerous times a week. How she, former head of the Spirit Squad made a total of zero friends there.

"I'm… lost. I don't know who I am or where I'm going for the first time ever and it terrifies me. I feel like I've let everyone down, me being a failure wasn't really expected."

"Stop saying that. Dropping out of Banting doesn't make you a failure. It's just not the place for you. You'll find somewhere that is."

"Would you please stop with the supportive sound bites? I just flunked out of the most prestigious school in the country. I've fucked up and that's a fact."

Alex's face turned deadly serious. "Everyone fucks up, you're not alone in that."

"It feels like it. Everyone's life is on track. Marco and Dylan have a house near campus, Hazel's off in Montreal and your back at Degrassi, you're life's on track."

Alex frowned. "Not so much. There's more to life than school and now that's all I have."

"The Carla thing." Paige added, a trace of guilt evident in the bitterness.

Alex sighed. "No. Carla is a great person but I don't love her. I was just trying to get over you."

Paige was looking straight at her now. "hun, you dumped me remember? How much was there to get over."

Alex felt like she'd been punched. Her gut was knotted up. She shifted uncomfortably. "I broke up with you but that doesn't mean I wanted to. It hurt like hell, still does."

Paige was too stunned, too scared, too excited, too angry to express any sort of emotion. They were all jammed. "Then why?"

Alex swallowed hard. Felt like her throat was trying to weld itself closed. "For you. If I'd have gone with you it would have driven us apart. I would have been working some dead end job while you made a life for yourself. I didn't want to risk messing that up for you."

Paige's eyes had fully welled up by now. "Thanks for trying but I messed up all on my own." Her attempt at humour was feeble and her laugh coincided with the pent up tears spilling out onto her cheeks.

Alex leaned forward onto her knee's and cupped Paige's face in her hands. She used her thumbs to wipe away the tears.

"Tell me how to make this better, please." She begged.

Paige let out a strangled sob. "Just be here."

Alex kissed Paige's forehead. "I'm here, I'll be here." She promised as their foreheads rested against one another. Alex was searching Paige's eyes for something, for permission.

The blonde knew what was about to happen and she thought that she'd be more nervous. It'd been a while but she still remembered every detail of being this close to Alex. The way her hot breath felt against her skin, the way her lips seemed to have a mind of their own, desperately seeking Alex's. Or the intensity of Alex's dark eyes. God she'd missed that. They went on forever in such close proximity.

Finally their lips met and Alex's hands swept from Paige's cheeks through her hair causing her to moan. The blonde leaned on one hand and let the other slide down Alex's arm, down her side and finally to it's favourite resting place on the small of her back.

Alex was so comforted by the lack of change in kissing Paige. She still tasted the same, with a strange saltiness due to the tears. When she felt Paige's hand rest on the small of her back she almost forgot the horrors of the months without her.

When they broke apart Paige was breathing hard but she knew her tears weren't completely gone. She took Alex's arm and wrapped it around herself as she curled onto her side.

Alex dutifully followed Paige's lead and mirrored her position. She used her free arm to brush Paige's hair neatly aside and then kissed the side of her neck.

"I'm here." She whispered reassuringly.

Paige simply tugged Alex's arm even tighter around her. She wanted Alex all around her, to be cocooned in her. She brought Alex's hand up and kissed her palm. Alex meant what she said, Paige knew in that moment that Alex was hers, completely and wholly. She would stay there forever with her if she asked.

Alex was breathing in as deeply as her lungs allowed. It smelled so good lying wrapped up in Paige. Her shampoo, her skin, the little trace of perfume long since applied.

As the warmth radiated between them both they understood that this didn't make it all ok, it didn't erase the facts but it was a start, a new beginning. A second chance for their relationship.

Paige eventually broke a half hour of silence but still didn't have any intention of moving. "Lexi, stay here tonight? With me?"

Alex just nuzzled into the blondes hair. "Always." she cooed. It'd been so long since Paige had called her that. Since she'd felt the butterflies in her stomach dash around because when her name fell from Paige's lips like that it caused her to question every cynical thought she'd ever had. It was a pure sound when Paige said it. She believed it completely and it was love.

"Tomorrow we can look through uni broachers?" She murmured before kissing Paige's neck again. She didn't want to push it but it felt like the right timing. She knew Paige needed to know she wasn't alone in the search for a future and that the longer she went without a map for her life, the worse she would feel.

"Thank you." Paige said sincerely.

Alex tucked Paige's hair behind her ear and then quietly spoke. "We need to stop going round in circles. I'm done running away."

Paige added. "I'm done letting you."


End file.
